Out of the Darkness

It’s funny how our perceptions of ourselves and the perceptions others have of us differ. If you were to ask my friend, Lumina, to describe herself you would likely hear words such as “afraid” or “anxious” pop up; and although in some respects I would be inclined to agree, I would also be inclined to applaud her courage and strength.

We’ve all had dreams where we find ourselves naked in a public place. They can be terribly disturbing because we are all terrified, to at least some degree, of exposing ourselves for what we truly are… afraid of what beasts might lie within. Yet this is territory where my timid, anxious little friend bravely ventures forth ~ into the deepest depths of the human heart, resurrecting all the ghosts from within and laying them to rest.

I am not nearly as brave. I would much rather face old haunts than old hurts.

A short time ago, we shared a few email (ok, it was a few dozen) as Lumina found herself being pulled into her darkness, her sorrow. She sent me a video of Wynona Judd who also shared a very dark, personal moment with her fans during a concert. Through tears she spoke of how her mother told her to “let them see the cracks in your armor, that’s how the light gets through”, words which inspired Lumina to do the same, and a few days later, seem to have come back to haunt me as well. So here I am, swallowing hard, taking a deep breath, and letting the light shine through the cracks of my armor… Behold, the darkness within:

After my third child was born, I fell into a horrible depression. I don’t believe it was post-partum, but rather the ever-present stirrings of a restless spirit ~ mine. Being confined to a house with both a toddler and a new baby; a mountain of dirty diapers, dirty dishes, and dirty clothes was not my definition of an ideal life. I was tired, stressed, and depressed. I would drink coffee to wake myself up in the morning, cola to stay awake during the day, and alcohol to put myself to sleep at night. I became numb, in every sense of the word, spiraling further and further in a pit of despair that was becoming more and more difficult to pull myself out of. I literally wanted to curl up and die, and might have actually attempted suicide, but at the time? It seemed a little too much like work, and would ultimately only result in one more mess for me to clean up.

My emotional state seemed to spill over into my physical state as well and the two of them seemed to fuel the other, only adding to the problem. I suffered from chronic allergies, asthma, and repeated bouts with pneumonia. At one point, I had torn all the muscles between my ribs during an asthma attack, and the simple act of breathing caused me more pain than I could bear. I swear my body was attempting to deliver what my mental and emotional state had requested… an end to my life of misery. The antibiotics I was taking for the pneumonia left me with hair, skin and nails that were dry, brittle and falling off. I no longer recognized the woman I saw in the mirror, with her pasty skin and darkened eyes. She was hollow, an empty shell of what I considered myself to be.

I decided it was time to take action, to take back my life before it slipped through my fingers. I went to a naturopathic doctor who took me off the medication, and turned me on to alternative healing. She gave me several books to read, told me to drink more water and listen to my own inner guidance, not my family doctor. Somewhat pessimistic, but hopeful, I followed her advise. It was extremely difficult to give up both caffeine and alcohol at the same time. My body was in an addicted state, and purging those accumulated toxins was both physically and emotionally taxing. I was irritable, angry and found myself lashing out at my family without provocation. I desperately needed to find a way to relax when I stumbled on a book called “Find a Quiet Corner: A Guide to Meditation”. I figured that ½ hour every day, while my 4 year old was at playschool and the baby was sleeping might just be the prescription for relief I was looking for, and sure enough, at the end of each session, I felt completely alert, refreshed and calm.

In the midst of my healing process, and still very much dependent on my daily meditations for stress relief, I put on my favorite CD and began cleaning the living room. The disc started to skip and as I headed over to fast forward to the next track, I remembered when years ago, I would ask “Mr. Ghost” to adjust the volume of the stereo in our “haunted house”. I laughed at the thought but as I reached to push the forward button, I figured “what the hell” and asked, as I did in the past, for Mr. Ghost to stop skipping the CD. No surprise that nothing happened. Maybe I just needed to focus more? I closed my eyes, put my hands on either side of the stereo cabinet and thought really hard “please stop skipping the CD, please stop skipping the CD, please stop…”

Finally, the song continued playing normally and chuckling silently to myself, I opened my eyes and saw a boy, maybe 15 years old, leaning against the stereo cabinet with his hands in his pocket, smiling shyly at me. Startled, I gasped and he immediately disappeared. I felt horrible that my reaction had scared him off but was tingling with excitement, amazed at how real he was and how much detail I was able to absorb in the split second that I saw him.

Later that afternoon, rather than my usual meditation, I grabbed a pencil and tried to draw the boy in a way that I had never attempted before; I closed my eyes and allowed my hand to flow freely over the page. I didn’t expect anything, in fact I was pretty sure that I would probably only have a scribbled mess on the paper, but when I opened my eyes? There he was, exactly as I had seen him. I had never drawn with such depth and accuracy in my life! I felt as if a switch had been turned on, that something deep within me was awakened. I was excited and happy and eagerly anticipated every moment of every day.

I never really stopped to think about it before, but now that I look back? It seems so ironic that it was a ghost who bravely ventured into my human darkness and escorted my soul back to the light. Maybe he saw the Light shining through the cracks in my armor; just as I see the Light shining through theirs…